I’m Not That Girl - Learning What Love Means to Me
4.15.25 Captured by Author
Growing up, I’ve always believed in the fairytale endings. Stories where two people unexpectedly meet, create an out-of-body/existential connection, but the universe pulls them apart until the timing is right. Then, when one of them chooses to fight for the other, they end up happily ever after. Truth be told, the little girl in me still believes this and hopes that in the end, my person will choose me through and through every time, even when the timing doesn’t always feel right. Is this actually the case, though? Every day, we hear stories about high school sweethearts, or people (like my sister) reconnecting years later to create beautiful lives together. Hearing these stories can be comforting, encouraging me to believe that in the end, it all works out, especially when my sisters and cousins provide great examples of finding their people. I’ve always wondered, though: Does timing play a more major role than we were taught growing up? When do two people truly decide to make things work? What makes someone actively choose another person? Why do I feel like the love stories I watched through rom-coms and heard about from various family members don’t exist in my generation anymore? And why don’t they happen for me?
I’m twenty-three, and starting to think, when is it going to be my turn? Am I running out of time? For some of you, I know you’re shaking your head, laughing. I know I’m young, and I haven’t met everyone that I’m supposed to meet yet in this lifetime. Either way, I’m sad that certain people have become lessons rather than permanent, meaningful figures in my life. Let me dive a little deeper for you. Let’s talk about the only two people I’ve ever loved.
#1 - The One That Never Knew
I didn’t know what love meant until I was twenty-one years old. I met someone whom I unexpectedly fell for, and to this day, they don’t even know it. Around this time, I had just finished up a year of self-discovery and exploration in Athens, Greece. I truly felt like I understood myself as best as I could then, feeling confident in who I was. The universe, however, enjoys testing me, and placed a whimsical, graceful, kind, and gentle person into my life, whom I was absolutely amazed by. We had hung out as friends for a long time, still do, but it wasn’t until a few months of dancing in grassy fields and taking roadtrips to the White Mountains that I realized I had stronger feelings for this person. At first, I struggled with accepting these feelings for myself, since I knew I would never be able to tell this person how much I cared about them; we were too close friends for this to come between us. This realization crushed me. It wasn’t fair that I could feel so deeply for someone and that they could never know because of our circumstances. If I’m being honest, they still don’t know. Truth be told, this feeling drained me for years. Every time we’d see each other - especially at the same place we met - I felt euphoric. It felt as if the universe led us together and that we were meant to care for each other in that moment. Many times after, though, there would be nights when tears would drip down my face onto my journal when I would write about how devastated I was that nothing would ever happen with all the love I had for this person. Even though I would choose them in every universe, they could never choose me.
#2 - The One That Got Away
This one’s a lot harder to share, as the wounds are pretty fresh. So, please be patient with me as I try to formulate my feelings into words for you all.
What if I told you that a guy and a girl unexpectedly fell in love? They slow danced to 50s music, exchanged heartfelt words while gazing into each other’s eyes and holding hands at a beautiful New England beach, and sobbed into each other’s arms after writing goodbye letters for when the universe planned out different paths for them. You’d think it was a movie, right? You might even imagine it as the most cinematic, romantic, and semi-realistic love story you’ve ever heard. Otherwise, you could be thinking…how could this be true? Guys who care that deeply don’t exist anymore. Wrong! My experience is proof of their existence, and I’m here to tell you that this was not just a cinematic movie moment, but my reality just a few months ago.
Without saying too much, I knew early on, after getting to know this person, that his presence in my life was purposeful, even if to this day, I still don’t know what the reason is. For two months, I spent almost every day on adventures with him. Whether it was simply going to the gym, meeting his sweet and crafty mom, or night hiking up Mt. Willard. Every second that I spent with him, I not only felt more like myself, but I could feel myself learning his quirks and considering him when thinking about my future life.
It was only a few months ago that I realized consideration and making the active choice to choose someone every day were two of the most important aspects of feeling love for someone. Before I moved away, I knew we were both about to embark on two different journeys in life, but saying goodbye never felt so hard. Truth be told, you can have immense feelings for someone, share unimaginable moments, and truly feel in your heart that they are meant for you, but it still isn’t enough if timing and making an active choice to choose each other isn’t on your side. Honestly, that’s the most gut-wrenching part of this one for me because I could definitely see him in my future, and it hurts knowing it may never happen or that it can’t happen right now. Since living in Orlando, I’ve sometimes found myself imagining how much fun we would’ve had together if we were able to make it work. I’ve pictured bringing him to experience Galaxy’s Edge for the first time to see that giddy, child-like grin he would plaster on his face. Sometimes, these thoughts make me smile, and sometimes, I find myself missing him a lot; but in the end, whether or not I want to, I have to accept that he isn’t in my life and may never be again (trust me, this stings like a b*tch).
For me, the hardest part of experiencing heartbreak has been how heavy it weighs on me. Personally, I believe that people are worth fighting for, as long as it’s not at the expense of yourself and who you are. What troubles me is that it seems so difficult to find someone willing to do the same. Is our generation just prone to moving on? Is the new “moving on” and getting over the last person, just finding someone else? I mean, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I care too much when I finally become emotionally vulnerable with someone, but is that a bad thing? These are some of the feelings I’m still processing, hence why I’m sharing them with you.
It’s hard knowing that I have to accept that the love people may have for each other may see an expiration date, at least in its physical and interactive form. Whether these two are still in my life or not, I know my love for them will always linger. No matter the time that passes, it still hurts that I felt so deeply connected to these two people and that it still hasn’t worked out. One of which I know never will, and the other…I hope that if it’s right and meant to be, someday it just might. I hope we get the chance to see how good we could be. It just hurts knowing that in this moment, the love I feel for them will only exist in my own heart and mind, and may remain there forever.
This period of my life has been full of dealing with acceptance. My past loves are some of the hardest goodbyes I’ve had to accept, whether I had to mentally or physically set boundaries with them. Typically, this “acceptance” piece for me has involved a lot of tears, anger, journal entries, and even some delusional laughter. And I can tell you that feeling these feelings is no fun, but it seems to be a part of what makes us human. No matter how difficult loving and then losing people in my life is, though, I have to accept it, because whether or not I want to be, right now, I’m not that girl.
I'm Not That Girl" written by Stephen Schwartz for Wicked, 2003
“Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Every so often, we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so, mm
I'm not that girl.”
